I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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