Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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