well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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