Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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