All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
