apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
