That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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