I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
