I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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