Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
