I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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