you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
