a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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