it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
