i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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