he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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