Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
