Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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