I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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