all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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