He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
