my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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