am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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