hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
