Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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