i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wear drunk well.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
