Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Acid is not a monday night drug
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
