Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
