Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
