First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
