I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
