We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
