I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
