I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
