Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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