I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
