I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
