I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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