I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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