I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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