I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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