I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
