I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
