that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
