JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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