like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
