I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
