I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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