The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just puked most of my soul out..
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