I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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