Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
