You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
