My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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