I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Randomize
