So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
