Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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