my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
