I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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