I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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