I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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