Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
